i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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