Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
