Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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