did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
