so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
