Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
