If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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