In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
