a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
