I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
