dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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