She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
