Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Randomize
