You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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