it's great music for shaving your balls
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
