it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
