nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
do herpes really smell.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
