HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
