i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
