Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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