yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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