It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
