U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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