No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
