the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
