You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
