get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
