I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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