Moan for me like Helen Keller
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
