Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
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