my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
