that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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