i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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