When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
