wanna go halves on a baby?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
