The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
