Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You're earring is so big in my mouth
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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