I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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