We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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