She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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