it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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