Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
