On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
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