i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
