There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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