I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
