so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
