im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
