this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
