This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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