phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
