i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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