When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
