sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
