Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
