He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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