Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
